The missing piece of the puzzle

Since school started in August, I have become low man on my own totem pole once again. I am a bit confused by it as it really seemed like through the Transformation Challenge earlier this year, I had really changed my lifestyle. I was making healthier choices in my food, my daily life and exercise had become a very good habit…going to the gym was a given, almost every day. Packing my gym bag was just part of my daily routine without giving it any thought. And while I hadn’t managed to lose any more weight from the time the Challenge wrapped up to the time school started, at least I hadn’t gained which was a biggie for me.

Then school started and I think every mother can relate to the craziness that is shuffling kids to and from school, working (at home or out of the home, it’s still work!), housework, laundry, lunches, sports practices, etc, etc.

I think what added to my chaos this year was our attempt to save some money by not enrolling Grace into the afterschool program we had previously paid $400+ a month for. We just couldn’t afford it any more. Between friends, family, Girl Scouts and adjusting my work schedule, we manage to get her picked up every day from school. But it adds to the stress and the time constraints that were already in my life. I do question whether the stress and time is worth the $400 a month, but it’s not really a question of that at this point. Money is tighter than ever for us and we just flat out can’t pay it this year. It’s not a choice, unfortunately.

Add to the changes in my work schedule (somedays working 6am to 2pm, other days working 9am to 7pm) my doctor put me on Yaz for PMDD. Boom! 10 lbs gained, the first week, without changing anything else in my life. Whoa! What is THAT all about??? Talking to friends, they all had the same phenomena occur. Lovely. So when I see my OB on December 21st and she asks why my weight isn’t down as she had talked about at our September appt, I can tell her because of the stupid Yaz, that’s why!

Ok, so enough background on the why’s of my being back to within one pound of my heaviest weight - which also happens to be the weight I started out the Transformation Challenge at back in March. What am I going to do about it? Why can’t I put myself first consistently for more than just a couple months? I think to get this weight off and make it stick, I really need to look at the reasons why I eat and the reasons why I obviously don’t feel I deserve to be thin or happy.

Really, my life is pretty darn good other than my weight. My marriage is stronger than ever and our sex life is still pretty happenin’ despite three kids and my weight gain. My kids are blessings, each and every one. My job is good – good pay, decent benefits, flexible and understanding about sick kids and field trip chaperoning. I have wonderful family and friends who are always so supportive and loving. It seems that being thinner and healthier would be the last piece of the puzzle to make it all complete. I just need to find that piece...you know, the one that you can't find, that you swear must have never been put in the box at the puzzle factory, that you look for and look for and look for in the shag of the carpet, or blame your husband for accidentally throwing it away or worse, hiding it from you on purpose. That piece that finally turns up right where you were looking all along.

My mission is now not just to lose weight and get healthy, it's to find that missing puzzle piece and make it all fit and make sense. Today, I start this weight loss journey for what will hopefully…nope, gotta be more positive than that…for what WILL BE the last time! Wish me luck!!