Well, I'd be lying if I said that week 2 was easy on me. It kicked my hiney. And as we finish up that second week and start up the third, this is about the time that my gung-ho, rah-rah, I can do this, I'm going to be smokin' hot by this time next year attitude dies out. And it usually is about the time I start paying the price for the other aspects of my life that I'm neglecting in order to take care of my health.
First let me say that Scott rocks. If you didn't already know this, he is the most amazing guy. :) But he is struggling right now with my being gone even more than before as are the kids. Daddy's not as good at things like remembering to have Gracie do her homework if I get home late or remembering to even brush her hair, let alone pull it back or anything and so then she's upset when I get home at night because she didn't get her book report turned in and is crying because she got to school and realized her hair wasn't brushed. I am trying to work on her taking more responsibility for herself, her homework, etc but it's a process. And in the meantime, I feel guilty and like the worst mom ever.
And I am so tired from: a. the increased intensity, duration and frequency of workouts, b. Daniel STILL not sleeping (he has a new cold and I hope not another ear infection or I'll shoot myself), and c. the change in schedule (getting up at 5, but still going to bed at 11 or 12). I know these things will get better and its an adjustment, but right now, when I get home, I do dinner, homework, baths, bedtime with the kids and by the time I come back downstairs, pack the kids' lunches, make sure everyone has clothes for tomorrow, pack my gym bag, load the dishwasher, etc...even with Scott helping me with it all, I am just p00ped.
The kids are cranky a lot because they aren't seeing me as much because I'm gone every morning and because I'm getting into work later half the time because of going to the gym first or taking a longer lunch hour, sometimes I'm working later too. And since they're cranky, they're kicking Scott's azz when he's home with them, so then he's not getting as much done around the house and such as he used to for me which just puts us further behind on everything. And he's cranky too which makes things oh-so-pleasant when I DO get home.
Add to that tomorrow is my final exam and skills assessment in my networking class. And my house is a mess, I'm behind on laundry and I have family coming into town this weekend for Daniel's party, Gracie's musical performance, and Ian's first t-ball game <-- Can we throw a few MORE things into one weekend?!?! Thank GOD that my housekeeper is coming on Wed, then I just have to manage to keep the house clean for three more days! LOL And I just think to myself, "is it worth it?!? I'm making my family miserable (and myself in some respects) so that I can do this?" This is the point in the past where I fall off the wagon. This is the point where in the past I'd stop walking, stop running, stop going to the gym, stop whatever and focus on the rest of my life. But I know I have to push past this. I know it's better for the whole family in the end. I need to do this. I need to do this. I need to do this. It has become my mantra.
Ok, so there's the vent. The positive spin though is that I know I'll get through this. All my friends and family are so supportive. And my team is so supportive and they are really a huge part of keeping me going and showing up for workouts. That and the fact Scott would kick my slightly smaller butt if I stopped going after paying all that money!
And here's the rah-rah, not a vent part:
1. I lost another 3 pounds this week for a total of 8
2. Me and the kids hiked up Bishop's Peak on Sunday....something I haven't done in forever and wouldn't have thought to do if it weren't for the challenge. Did we make it all the way? Heck no. But we had fun and we almost made it to the tree line. The kids are so excited and want to do Madonna Mountain next weekend.
3. My snacking habits are definitely subsiding. I may not be eating perfectly all the time, but I have noticed I don't feel the need to munch nearly so much as I used to and I'm able to turn down temptation a little more readily.
4. I am actually eating some veggies, if you can believe that one. I'm starting slow by putting them in salads and other dishes, but I've been regularly consuming them on a daily basis which is a HUGE improvement over my former veggie intake.
5. I've drastically cut back on my diet dr pepper intake (although not gone completely) and greatly increased my water intake
Those are all good things and help motivate me to keep going.
On a neither rah-rah nor venting note: boot camp this morning just. about. killed. me. My teammate Alyse just had to email our assigned trainer Kate that one of the trainers didn't give us a good workout on Thursday last week. Well, Kate and another kick butt trainer do the Monday boot camp. Oh yes, we paid for Alyse's comments. It was so brutal! I don't think I've ever sweat that much in my life. They gave us like NO breaks between sets and some killer Biggest Loser burpees and similar moves, along with some Jillian Michaels "unless you puke, pass out or die, keep running" attitude. At the end, Kate looks around the room and says, "Does anyone not feel sufficiently challenged?" You can bet no one said a word. Granted, that was in part because most of us couldn't breathe, but still.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
Week 1 Weigh In
Woo hoo! Down 5 lbs. Haven't lost that much in a week since I first did weight watchers like 6 years ago! I don't think I ate enough calories this week though so I'll have to keep an eye on that.
I did have my metabolic testing, but I was surprised by the results. My RMR (resting metabolic rate) was much higher than I expected...2000 calories! Add in normal daily activities took me up to 2700. That's insane to me. But I guess if you have been overweight for a while, which I have, then you have to develop muscle mass to lug around all that extra weight. So that makes your metabolism higher than a thinner person who doesn't work out to intentionally build that muscle up. Interesting. I'm learning so much and it's only going into week 2.
And did I mention again that my team rocks?!?! GO 6 PACK!!!!
I did have my metabolic testing, but I was surprised by the results. My RMR (resting metabolic rate) was much higher than I expected...2000 calories! Add in normal daily activities took me up to 2700. That's insane to me. But I guess if you have been overweight for a while, which I have, then you have to develop muscle mass to lug around all that extra weight. So that makes your metabolism higher than a thinner person who doesn't work out to intentionally build that muscle up. Interesting. I'm learning so much and it's only going into week 2.
And did I mention again that my team rocks?!?! GO 6 PACK!!!!
Transformation Challenge - Week 2
Friday, 13Mar09
This week was a challenging one, at best. The workouts seemed harder, getting up early seemed harder, but I pushed through. I did miss Monday's boot camp because I set the alarm for 5 PM instead of 5AM, but I'm going to make it up...gulp...tomorrow morning. I am dreading getting up and getting to SLO and exercising that early (7 am) on a Saturday, but I gotta do it. And I need to get some cardio in as well.
A big challenge this week was not letting life derail me like I usually would right about now. I had a tough weekend and wasn't able to prep for the week like I would like and it made it that much harder to stick with the program. Scott has been amazing because I know it has been hard on him. But he understands that I need to do this and is doing his best to make it happen.
My team continues to amaze me...so supportive and encouraging and motivated.
GO TEAM 6 PACK!
This week was a challenging one, at best. The workouts seemed harder, getting up early seemed harder, but I pushed through. I did miss Monday's boot camp because I set the alarm for 5 PM instead of 5AM, but I'm going to make it up...gulp...tomorrow morning. I am dreading getting up and getting to SLO and exercising that early (7 am) on a Saturday, but I gotta do it. And I need to get some cardio in as well.
A big challenge this week was not letting life derail me like I usually would right about now. I had a tough weekend and wasn't able to prep for the week like I would like and it made it that much harder to stick with the program. Scott has been amazing because I know it has been hard on him. But he understands that I need to do this and is doing his best to make it happen.
My team continues to amaze me...so supportive and encouraging and motivated.
GO TEAM 6 PACK!
Transformation Challenge - Week 1
I'm posting a few posts belatedly, so post dates don't correspond with actual dates.
06Mar09 - End of week 1
This morning I had my third kick-azz cardio/resistance training session for the week, followed by my 4th cardio solo workout of the week. Even though I still have one more solo cardio workout to do tomorrow, I think it's safe to say that I made it through week 1 alive. LOL
I was sick as a dog the first half of this week so I just had to push through it. No excuses. You only get two excused absences and then they boot you out of the program and I am definitely not letting that happen to me!
This is awesome because if I were working out solo, I so would have opted to stay in bed and sleep in until I had to go to work because I was sick. But you know what? It didn't kill me to work out. I might have *felt* like I was gonna die, but hey, who's to say that isn't just from the whooping the trainers were doling out vs. the bug I was fighting, right? ;-)
The biggest challenge this week has been food. I didn't get a chance to grocery shop, prep veggies, prep fruit, grill chicken, etc for the week as I had planned because I literally could not get out of bed on Sunday. And then once the week started...whoa!
So I've been eating healthy with what I had available to me at home and at work. And when I'm occasionally given the choice between eating something crappy and eating nothing, I've been choosing to eat nothing. And I know that's not good because I'm burning all kinds of energy working out, but I'm really trying to make this a permanent lifestyle change. I feel like if I pick the crappy food, then I'm not changing my eating habits, even if I'm still well within my daily calories. I'm sure when I turn in my food journal on Monday I will be scolded for eating two few calories, but I'll do better next week.
Having to turn in my journal for the nutritionist to grade and give pointers is way keeping me in check on eating too. I mean, yeah, I had to journal in WW, but who was going to see it? If I didn't journal an entire day or stayed in my points, but ate crappy, who was going to really know other than me? This is definitely the discipline I needed to force me to be honest with myself about what I was really eating as well as getting in that gym every day so that at the end of 12 weeks, it's just part of my life. It's what I do, there isn't even a question, it's just there, you know?
Tomorrow is the nutrition/diet seminar and cooking class. Can't wait! I'm anxious to get some of the questions that have come up this week about nutrition answered as well as learn some other stuff I didn't even know that I didn't know!
And did I mention I love my team? They are some really neat ladies and we have fun together. We're going to try to take a hike up a Bishop's occasionally and go kayaking once in a while in addition to our normal workouts. And one of the gals is making us all team T-shirts. We definitely seem to be a lot more supportive of each other and cohesive as a team than some of the other gals. Not that it matters. Our goal isn't to be the "best" team, but to just make some changes in our lives and get healthy for the long term. If we win the challenge by doing that, great!
I have my metabolic testing on Saturday morning - 12 hour fast, no caffeine, no exercise, just water and any required medications. Sit in a dark room for 12 minutes, don't think about anything really...but DON'T FALL ASLEEP! Um, yeah, I've been getting about 5-6 hours a night interrupted at least 3 times for the past two months. Good luck with my not falling asleep! LOL But I can't wait to hear what they say..."Yes, Heather, your metabolism is complete sh!t. You need to workout three hours a day and eat 500 calories. With that program, you should be able to lose about 0.5 lbs/week. Isn't that great?" HA! I'm sure it won't be quite that bad, but I'm interested. Can't wait to find out.
06Mar09 - End of week 1
This morning I had my third kick-azz cardio/resistance training session for the week, followed by my 4th cardio solo workout of the week. Even though I still have one more solo cardio workout to do tomorrow, I think it's safe to say that I made it through week 1 alive. LOL
I was sick as a dog the first half of this week so I just had to push through it. No excuses. You only get two excused absences and then they boot you out of the program and I am definitely not letting that happen to me!
This is awesome because if I were working out solo, I so would have opted to stay in bed and sleep in until I had to go to work because I was sick. But you know what? It didn't kill me to work out. I might have *felt* like I was gonna die, but hey, who's to say that isn't just from the whooping the trainers were doling out vs. the bug I was fighting, right? ;-)
The biggest challenge this week has been food. I didn't get a chance to grocery shop, prep veggies, prep fruit, grill chicken, etc for the week as I had planned because I literally could not get out of bed on Sunday. And then once the week started...whoa!
So I've been eating healthy with what I had available to me at home and at work. And when I'm occasionally given the choice between eating something crappy and eating nothing, I've been choosing to eat nothing. And I know that's not good because I'm burning all kinds of energy working out, but I'm really trying to make this a permanent lifestyle change. I feel like if I pick the crappy food, then I'm not changing my eating habits, even if I'm still well within my daily calories. I'm sure when I turn in my food journal on Monday I will be scolded for eating two few calories, but I'll do better next week.
Having to turn in my journal for the nutritionist to grade and give pointers is way keeping me in check on eating too. I mean, yeah, I had to journal in WW, but who was going to see it? If I didn't journal an entire day or stayed in my points, but ate crappy, who was going to really know other than me? This is definitely the discipline I needed to force me to be honest with myself about what I was really eating as well as getting in that gym every day so that at the end of 12 weeks, it's just part of my life. It's what I do, there isn't even a question, it's just there, you know?
Tomorrow is the nutrition/diet seminar and cooking class. Can't wait! I'm anxious to get some of the questions that have come up this week about nutrition answered as well as learn some other stuff I didn't even know that I didn't know!
And did I mention I love my team? They are some really neat ladies and we have fun together. We're going to try to take a hike up a Bishop's occasionally and go kayaking once in a while in addition to our normal workouts. And one of the gals is making us all team T-shirts. We definitely seem to be a lot more supportive of each other and cohesive as a team than some of the other gals. Not that it matters. Our goal isn't to be the "best" team, but to just make some changes in our lives and get healthy for the long term. If we win the challenge by doing that, great!
I have my metabolic testing on Saturday morning - 12 hour fast, no caffeine, no exercise, just water and any required medications. Sit in a dark room for 12 minutes, don't think about anything really...but DON'T FALL ASLEEP! Um, yeah, I've been getting about 5-6 hours a night interrupted at least 3 times for the past two months. Good luck with my not falling asleep! LOL But I can't wait to hear what they say..."Yes, Heather, your metabolism is complete sh!t. You need to workout three hours a day and eat 500 calories. With that program, you should be able to lose about 0.5 lbs/week. Isn't that great?" HA! I'm sure it won't be quite that bad, but I'm interested. Can't wait to find out.
Transformation Challenge
Ok, since I last posted about my weight loss journey, a lot has changed. I decided to join a gym and hire a personal trainer to keep me accountable. I needed something drastic to make me stick with an exercise routine. I looked around and decided to go back to Equilibrium in SLO. I used to belong waaaaay back when it was Cory Everson's. Back then I liked the fact that it was a women-only gym, and I still do. But what really attracted me to this gym this time around was the fact that they look at every aspect of wellness as being important, not just diet and physical fitness.
So I started working with the trainer twice a week and it felt good. And I was doing cardio 2-4 times a week at the gym, and I felt good. But then a couple weeks passed, life happened and I fell off the cardio wagon and was just making it in to the training appts. That still felt good, but I had gained a few pounds and I knew just weight training wasn't going to do it for me. I needed to be better about cardio and I was struggling with making myself a priority enough to get in there and do it.
Not too long after I joined EQ, they announced their Transformation Challenge. This intrigued me. Eight women would be chosen out of ?? applicants to take part in the challenge which includes a personal training sessions, nutritionist services, etc. My main motivation was that it might provide the accountability I needed on the cardio side. Also, letting my competitive side (bet ya didn't know I had one, did ya?) push me to do this 110%. Think Biggest Loser but on a smaller, local scale.
The first step of the process was a panel interview - panel of trainers, etc and a panel of wannabe contestents. They said at the end of the interview, "if you don't make it in, don't feel bad, just know that we thought you had something going for you that some other folks didn't." Right there I thought, that's it, I won't make it in, I already started training at their gym with a trainer, they figure I can do it on my own. Frick. LOL
And sure enough, I was not one of the chosen 8. However....they were able to offer it to up to 30 more women at a discounted rate and I think I was literally the first person to ask, "where do I sign?" The more I learned about it, the more impressed I was with this challenge...it really was taking in every aspect of health and wellness. There would be seminars on nutrition, stress management, etc, weekly weigh-ins with a nutritionist reviewing our food journals, etc. This was exactly what I needed!
I'm not expecting to lose 100 lbs in 3 months like those people on biggest loser (although it would be nice..ha ha) but I do hope to walk away from this with some permanent lifestyle changes that include eating healthier every day and making exercise part of my daily life. Wish me luck!
So I started working with the trainer twice a week and it felt good. And I was doing cardio 2-4 times a week at the gym, and I felt good. But then a couple weeks passed, life happened and I fell off the cardio wagon and was just making it in to the training appts. That still felt good, but I had gained a few pounds and I knew just weight training wasn't going to do it for me. I needed to be better about cardio and I was struggling with making myself a priority enough to get in there and do it.
Not too long after I joined EQ, they announced their Transformation Challenge. This intrigued me. Eight women would be chosen out of ?? applicants to take part in the challenge which includes a personal training sessions, nutritionist services, etc. My main motivation was that it might provide the accountability I needed on the cardio side. Also, letting my competitive side (bet ya didn't know I had one, did ya?) push me to do this 110%. Think Biggest Loser but on a smaller, local scale.
The first step of the process was a panel interview - panel of trainers, etc and a panel of wannabe contestents. They said at the end of the interview, "if you don't make it in, don't feel bad, just know that we thought you had something going for you that some other folks didn't." Right there I thought, that's it, I won't make it in, I already started training at their gym with a trainer, they figure I can do it on my own. Frick. LOL
And sure enough, I was not one of the chosen 8. However....they were able to offer it to up to 30 more women at a discounted rate and I think I was literally the first person to ask, "where do I sign?" The more I learned about it, the more impressed I was with this challenge...it really was taking in every aspect of health and wellness. There would be seminars on nutrition, stress management, etc, weekly weigh-ins with a nutritionist reviewing our food journals, etc. This was exactly what I needed!
I'm not expecting to lose 100 lbs in 3 months like those people on biggest loser (although it would be nice..ha ha) but I do hope to walk away from this with some permanent lifestyle changes that include eating healthier every day and making exercise part of my daily life. Wish me luck!
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Never get out of your car with your pump...
Ok, so I've been struggling with keeping up with Daniel's milk needs while I'm at work. I have been so busy since we are sorely understaffed and there is a hiring freeze, that pumping once a day at work is the norm and if I do it twice in the 8+ hours I'm here, that's a great day. And I have been lazy about pumping in the evenings (can't imagine why I might be tired after I get the kids to bed and want to just veg out on the couch watching Survivor and other mindless reality tv, bitching to Scott about how everyone on them is either annoying or a moron or both, but anyway...). So I am down to no freezer stash to speak of and am eeking by on sending the milk I pumped one day to the daycare the next day, etc. And it's not that supplementing with formula would be the end of the world. It's just that I know that we'd be fine if I would just step up the pumping a bit and save us some major $$ on formula (which is a biggie right now). And Daniel's needs should taper off a bit since he has discovered solid foods and decided that not only does he like them, but he's going to make it his life's goal to get as much of them as I will give him at any given time. Since I love his pudgy thighs and can't stop pinching, tickling and kissing them, I am completely okay with that. But I digress...
So last week I decided that with my hands-free device (think tubetop with two holes cut out), I could easily pump during my commute and then if I could get one or two sessions in at work, that'd be doing pretty well. If I could squeeze in one more at night, I would be able to get our stash built up pretty well. So Friday night, I get all set up in the car, pull my shirt down to cover anything, start the car up, only to realize I am almost out of gas and most certainly won't make it home to Templeton. I was talking to Scott on the cell at the moment and he joked, "Hey, your pump has a shoulder strap, just take it with you to pump the gas." I laughed at the image and hung up, heading to the gas station right down the street from work.
When I got to the station and was ready to "unhook" myself, I looked around and realized that it was freakishly empty for a Friday evening at 6 pm - I think there were two cars out of twelve pumps. So I thought, "what the heck. No one's going to see me. It's a hassle to disengage and set this all up again, I'll go for it." I pulled up to one of the many empty pumps and put the bag on my shoulder, made sure I wasn't exposing anything and hopped out to swipe my card and get the gas started. All went well, no one was nearby me and the ones a bit away didn't seem to even notice I was there, let alone look closely enough to see that under my loose T-shirt, I had oddly-shaped breasts. I turned back to get into my truck to wait for the tank to fill and froze in horror. Somehow, I had managed to bump my doorlock when I got out and the truck was locked. With the keys in it. And my bra. And my cell phone. And my wallet. And me with the breastpump not only attached to my body, but still running. AAAAHHHHH!!!!
I looked around and - of course! - the gas station is filling up quickly as cars stream in from both cross streets. Where were you people all a few minutes ago so that I wouldn't have even DREAMED of getting out of the car with the pump? Huh? Huh? WHERE WERE YOU?!?! Thinking as quickly as only a panicked woman can, I cross my arms over my chest to the best of my ability and make a run for the bathroom inside the gas station. Luckily it was empty so I was able to grab a stall, "disassemble" things and make myself presentable. I still kept my arms crossed over my chest as the hands-free tube top didn't provide much support for "the girls" which are pretty hefty these days given my slow weight gain over the past 10 years and of course, nursing. Luckily I was able to get a screwdriver from the gas station attendant and "break in" to the truck like Scott had shown me years ago (man, has that little lesson come in handy more times in 13 years than I ever thought possible!).
So I got in the car, hooked things back up and proceeded home. And hey, I got 8 ounces on that trip home which is two servings for Daniel these days, so I guess it was worth it. Hmmm...that makes me wonder, maybe adrenaline is good for your milk supply? Again, I digress...Let's face it, that situation obviously could have turned out a whole heck of a lot worse! Moral of the story: if you're going to get out of the car with your pump attached to your body, be sure you take your keys with you.
So last week I decided that with my hands-free device (think tubetop with two holes cut out), I could easily pump during my commute and then if I could get one or two sessions in at work, that'd be doing pretty well. If I could squeeze in one more at night, I would be able to get our stash built up pretty well. So Friday night, I get all set up in the car, pull my shirt down to cover anything, start the car up, only to realize I am almost out of gas and most certainly won't make it home to Templeton. I was talking to Scott on the cell at the moment and he joked, "Hey, your pump has a shoulder strap, just take it with you to pump the gas." I laughed at the image and hung up, heading to the gas station right down the street from work.
When I got to the station and was ready to "unhook" myself, I looked around and realized that it was freakishly empty for a Friday evening at 6 pm - I think there were two cars out of twelve pumps. So I thought, "what the heck. No one's going to see me. It's a hassle to disengage and set this all up again, I'll go for it." I pulled up to one of the many empty pumps and put the bag on my shoulder, made sure I wasn't exposing anything and hopped out to swipe my card and get the gas started. All went well, no one was nearby me and the ones a bit away didn't seem to even notice I was there, let alone look closely enough to see that under my loose T-shirt, I had oddly-shaped breasts. I turned back to get into my truck to wait for the tank to fill and froze in horror. Somehow, I had managed to bump my doorlock when I got out and the truck was locked. With the keys in it. And my bra. And my cell phone. And my wallet. And me with the breastpump not only attached to my body, but still running. AAAAHHHHH!!!!
I looked around and - of course! - the gas station is filling up quickly as cars stream in from both cross streets. Where were you people all a few minutes ago so that I wouldn't have even DREAMED of getting out of the car with the pump? Huh? Huh? WHERE WERE YOU?!?! Thinking as quickly as only a panicked woman can, I cross my arms over my chest to the best of my ability and make a run for the bathroom inside the gas station. Luckily it was empty so I was able to grab a stall, "disassemble" things and make myself presentable. I still kept my arms crossed over my chest as the hands-free tube top didn't provide much support for "the girls" which are pretty hefty these days given my slow weight gain over the past 10 years and of course, nursing. Luckily I was able to get a screwdriver from the gas station attendant and "break in" to the truck like Scott had shown me years ago (man, has that little lesson come in handy more times in 13 years than I ever thought possible!).
So I got in the car, hooked things back up and proceeded home. And hey, I got 8 ounces on that trip home which is two servings for Daniel these days, so I guess it was worth it. Hmmm...that makes me wonder, maybe adrenaline is good for your milk supply? Again, I digress...Let's face it, that situation obviously could have turned out a whole heck of a lot worse! Moral of the story: if you're going to get out of the car with your pump attached to your body, be sure you take your keys with you.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Where do I start?
This blog is really just for me. I would be surprised if anyone else ever read it. I am doing this for me, for my thoughts, for my fears, for my daily struggles. I've always told my email friends that they are my cheap therapy and they really are. Something about writing things down always helps me think things through, come up with a solution and/or feel better about everything. Paper journals were always too much work. I can type faster than I write anyway. I've started electronic journals before, but never really stuck to it. I'm hoping this will stick. Only time will tell, I would guess.
Just in case someone stumbles across this and is miraculously interested in what I have to say... I am a working mother of three, just trying to get through this thing called life, one day at a time. I am starting Weight Watchers online (again) today and am hoping to chronicle my weight loss journey a bit here. Also expect to talk a bit about the struggles of parenting three children, sustaining a decent, if not healthy, relationship with your husband, making ends meet, satisfying your job requirements at the office, having an occasional adult conversation that isn't about work or bills or laundry, and still maintaining some semblance of sanity...or maybe that's not possible? Maybe that's what I'm trying to find out.
Just in case someone stumbles across this and is miraculously interested in what I have to say... I am a working mother of three, just trying to get through this thing called life, one day at a time. I am starting Weight Watchers online (again) today and am hoping to chronicle my weight loss journey a bit here. Also expect to talk a bit about the struggles of parenting three children, sustaining a decent, if not healthy, relationship with your husband, making ends meet, satisfying your job requirements at the office, having an occasional adult conversation that isn't about work or bills or laundry, and still maintaining some semblance of sanity...or maybe that's not possible? Maybe that's what I'm trying to find out.
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